


Just blow yourself up

by N1ghtshad3



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: McDonald's, One Shot, Pre-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Songfic, Sort Of, feels like it should be, is that one word, not really - Freeform, shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-02-29 17:34:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18782917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/N1ghtshad3/pseuds/N1ghtshad3
Summary: How Brock Rumlow came to the brilliantly thought through decision to just blow himself up, taking place just before Civil War.Loosely inspired by thePaul and Storm song





	Just blow yourself up

**Author's Note:**

> I came up with this about 3 am last night. I was in a shitposting mood, so I might as well.

_I’m gonna blow myself up_

_So you don’t get what you want_

_And I’m gonna be dead_

_So you’ll feel really bad_

_And you’ll wish that you’d been_

_A little nicer to me_

 

_I’m gonna blow myself up_

 

 

“Thinks he’s so fucking cool, doesn’t he? That righteous dickhead. All high and mighty. The goddamn embodiment of Truth, Justice, and the American way, huh? Even when he goes out crashing flying aircraft carriers into buildings. Flying carriers, who the fuck came up with that one, anyway? Take a big boat, slap some rotors and big guns on, throw it way into the sky? Who looked at that plan and went 'Oh that sounds great! Let's build a ton of these. There's no way it could go wrong.' Stupid shit. No surprise they went down after a few shots, really. How did they go up in the first place? There's no way those weak little fans held all that up. Rocket engines? What the fuck is all that? Years and years of calculations, all for those pieces of shit. Sure, they look real cool, and you feel like a badass walking across that deck, but come on. And then one little chip switched out and it all goes to shit.

"It was gonna work, you know. Was gonna be perfect. Solve everyone's problems, peace and prosperity and shit all 'round the board. But no, Rogers and Romanov and their little bird friend had to go in at the last second, and fuck everyone's shit up. Little tweety bitch, I had him. Jumping out the window like that, that's fucking cheating. Didn't even have the basic human decency to go splat after. And then those shit carriers did splat. Right on my fucking face. Rest of the building came next. You know how you get this damn crispy? Have a flying war boat and a building land right on your ass, that's how. Fuck Rogers, man. Fuck him.

"All because of that fucking mask. Who the hell designed that thing, too? No straps or anything, just gonna stay on with fucking magic or what? And then it doesn't, and Cap went and saw his damn face, and it all went to shit. That whole mission was a shitshow. And Jack, about to shoot Rogers right there in front of all the cameras and shit, what the hell was that? Love the guy, but sometimes he's so goddamn stupid- was. Was. Fuck, it's been two years and I still haven't gotten used to that. We were married, you know? 2010, they made it legal, we went and did it soon as we could. Three years, that's all we had. Till he got murdered by those fuckers. God, I wish they'd gotten me too, but I'm still here. Why? I'll tell you, I didn't slap my way out of a HYDRA hospital bed barely mobile and covered in bandages just to waste away. I'm gonna get those fucks, and make 'em wish they'd never been born, yeah? For Jack. He'd do it for me, no, he'd've done it. He wouldn't sit on his ass for two whole years, that's for sure. They're the Avengers, well I'll avenge him.

"The asset- Bucky, he's called now. He means as much to Rogers as Jack did to me. And all it takes is a few words, and he could put one right between Cap's eyes. Now wouldn't that be all poetic and shit. But the last two times we threw 'em at each other, he couldn't do it. Best assassin in the world didn't have it in him. What's to say he won't fail again. Nah, the risk's too high. I'll find a way, though. A good one, mark my words. The only man I want dead more than Steve Rogers is myself.

"...That's it! Of course, why didn't I think of it? I want to kill him, I want to fucking die, it's obvious! I'm gonna blow myself up. Oh shit, it's perfect. And I'll be dead, and he'll be dead, and everyone'll be all sad and feel like shit because they couldn't stop it. This is gonna be great. I'll go hire some guys to make some shit go down, and he'll come after me and I'll give him a little speech, make him all mopey and when he won't expect it, we go boom. Tell him about his  _Bucky_ , how he wants to turn him back into his best buddy, give him hope, but he'll never get the chance. 'He recognized you, was all "Steve, where's Steve". He asked about you, wouldn't stop.' Yeah, something like that. It's a good start. Might change it up. 'Right before they fried his brain.' Fried? Eh, could be better. Chopped? Nah. Microwave? No, that's shit. Blender. That's it, blender. 'Before they put his brain in the blender'. I like that. What else? 'He wanted to tell you something.' What? Has to be some kinda sage advice shit, lead into it. 'He said, "when you gotta go, you gotta go". And you're coming with me, motherfucker.' Perfect. Oh, this is gonna be so good. Be all over the headlines for weeks: Captain America Fucking Dies. And before we go down, maybe I'll even get a chance to beat the shit out of him. Get some fancy-ass armor, so I can smash his smug, patriotic face in, God fucking bless America. This is gonna be fucking amazing."

 

"Sir, this is a McDonalds."

"No shit, kid. Double cheeseburger, medium fountain drink, and one of those little rectangle pie things. Actually, make it two pies. And can I get that to go?"


End file.
